A Queens resident recently wrote to real-estate doyenne Barbara Corcoran asking her if he should rip out his lawn to build a driveway, like all the cool kids are doing. Quoth Corcoran in her Daily News column:

Hey, a flower garden might look pretty and keep your wife happy, but the space in front of your house is worth a hell of a lot more as a driveway.

Lovely! I feel kind of ridiculous claiming I know more about real estate than Barbara Corcoran, who has become very very very rich selling it, but ripping out lawns to create driveways makes the neighborhood hideous, which, in the long run, decreases the value of the property. Corcoran implores the writer to hurry up and kill the lawn right quick, because the “city council of Queens” — we have a city council now? — is enacting legislation to ban exactly this sort of thing for exactly the reason I just described.

But! I do have one question. When Corcoran moves into a neighborhood, it’s a sign that the neighborhood is about to become hot. Corcoran has no operations in Central Queens. If she loves paved-over lawns so much, why not? She’ll find them here in spades.

Guess what, everybody? I wrote a column! Well, actually, I write a column every week in The Forum West (website still pending), but I’ve never posted them here. They’re usually not topical enough to pass blog muster–I tend to favor sweeping sociological observations over what happened at the latest community-board meeting. This week, however, I would have been remiss not to write about the phenomenon that is Trader Joe’s. I paid a little visit, as did many of you, and here’s my take, to be seen in bank vestibules everywhere this Thursday:

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The Daily News confirmed two more FoHi Starbucks today — we’ve previously reported the one in what is currently a gaping hole near Union Turnpike, but the big news is the pending location in the on-again-off-again shopping center on Metropolitan. The News seems to think it’s on again for good, and that’s good enough for me.

I don’t drink coffee and am genetically predisposed to hate soul-sucking chains like Starbucks, but like it or not, it is a prestige business for a neighborhood, and we’re not likely to get another independent coffeehouse anytime soon. I take it as a point of pride that this will be Forest Hills’ seventh Starbucks. (The News says fifth, but they’re oddly not counting the new Union Turnpike one that they themselves mention later in the story, and they’re also forgetting, I’d guess, the one inside Stop ‘n’ Shop.) Eat it, every other outer-borough neighborhood and Manhattan neighborhood above 100th Street!

The new shopping center, which is sure to be an architectural disaster but is still better than an auto-body shop, will also house “a well-known bank.” Thank God!

According to a reliable source, the long, long, long awaited FoHi/Rego/Glendale Trader Joe’s is scheduled to open on October 28 or 29.

Whoa, did I just scoop Forest Hills 72 on a Trader Joe’s-related item?

Driving through the Gardens tonight, not something I often do, I noticed something scandalous I’d never noticed before: The roads are in terrible condition. Fascinating, huh? The ritzy development that put the “strict” in “covenant restrictions” can’t be bothered to repave. Maybe they think it adds to the turn-of-the-century charm. If that’s what they’re going for, though, cobblestone would probably be a better move. It sure wouldn’t be much bumpier.

In order of greatness:

• According to Jellystone in the comments, a new “skateboard/tattoo-culture shop” has opened above Thai Austin in the possibly doomed complex that is the hoped-for future home of That Hotel. Some (all?) of you will not agree with my ranking this news above the next item, but I don’t believe we have anything remotely like this in the neighborhood. I’ve long given up on the prospect of FoHi as hipster enclave — I’m gunning for more of a Park Slope vibe now — but stroller-pushing yuppies like stuff like this around even if they don’t use it themselves.
• For most, this is the big one — and I will admit, it’s big. In fact, I was rushing to post this before I saw that FH72 beat me to it, with photos. Laytner’s is an upscalish (nobody truly upscale would print “Lower Prices” on their bags) schmata and wood-furniture purveyor with two locations, one on the Upper West Side, one on the Upper East Side. And now, from all indications, their third will be right here on Austin. People seem to love this place, and it replaces the defunct “Savvy” — a store you never so much as entered in all its years of existence — so this is obviously a huge net gain for the nabe.
• And once again via FH72, in an item that’s literally close to home, my beloved Ehrenreich-Austin Playground at 76th Road and Austin, a big part of the reason I moved here (such a cute park a block away!), is undergoing major renovations. This goes to the bottom of the list primarily because most of you don’t even know the park I’m talking about, but also because it just underwent major renovations less than two years ago. Nice use of my tax dollars, Parks Department! Still, I can’t really complain, as I do use those benches that are being replaced. While they’re at it, would it kill them to put in a little grass? I know it’s not technically a park, but come on, it’s a park.

Yeah, I said it: “East AQUA.” If AQUA (Austin, Queens Boulevard, Union Turnpike, Ascan, for those of you just tuning in) wasn’t narrow enough for you, I’m hereby throwing down a new definition for East AQUA, that being AQUA from Union Turnpike down to exactly where I live. You know, the funeral home/Baluchi’s corner. Anyway.

According to our forum snoops, a Starbucks — yes, a Starbucks – may be coming to the old location of Redwood Deli, right by the ‘Pike. I would be a big supporter of such a retail development, which could do a lot for our unglamorous sub-sub-neighborhood. In another place and another time, I very well might be anti-Starbucks, but there are four of them in Forest Hills already, so how world-destroying could this one be? Here’s hoping it’s true.

Not far away, a former cell-phone emporium in a lovely-but-decrepit Tudor has been boarded up and is being feverishly worked on by a real professional-like Manhattan real-estate company. Don’t look now, but it could be something good. Or, uh, it could be the Starbucks. This is all just conjecture.

I’ve also heard whisperings of a high-rise of some sort potentially being built on top of the Kinko’s and CVS. JetBlue expansion? Luxury condos? Clearly, with the Union Turnpike subway right there and Starbucks — Starbucks! – on the way, East AQUA is where it’s at!

Got some e-mail the other day from the fine folks over at NOVO 64, Forest Hills Your Way, who proudly announced the “Grand Opening” of the controversial condo development. This despite the fact that the building is nowhere near completion and the sales center opened months ago. But there’ll be wine and music and maybe, if you’re lucky, cheese, so who are you to complain? Write talia@novo64.com to RSVP, or call Talia herself at 212-448-9400, ext. 21. It’ll be Thursday, 6:30 to 9, at the sales center, I guess.

I would totally go to this, but I’ll be in sunny Saint Martin, French West Indies, starting right about — now. I’ve lined up a possible guest blogger while I’m gone, so stay tuned. And as always, you are encouraged to go crazy in los foros. So long, non-Caribbean vacationers!

As some of you may be aware, popular and prolific anti-development blogger the Queens Crapper is guesting over at Curbed this week. Queens Central’s official policy has always been to make no sweeping judgments about Queens’ polarizing OG QC blog. Sometimes we’re very much in agreement with his protectionist stance, sometimes we think he goes a wee bit overboard. But when reading his post yesterday about “Forest Hills’ Columns of Crap,” we couldn’t help but wonder: Does the Crapper have a conflict of interest here?

The building the Crapper is complaining about is indeed hideous. Its only mitigating factor is its ability to house a large number of businesses, at least a couple of which are worthwhile, but all in all, it’s a blight on Austin Street. Queens Crap sets its sights on buildings like this one all the time. But this time, there’s a difference: Unlike all the McMansions and Fedders boxes, this building is endangered. FoHi development mainstay The Heskel Group wants to build a “world-class, five-star” hotel on the site. The hotel’s design has its detractors, but I like it, and let’s face it: Nothing is ever realistically going to get built, in Forest Hills or anywhere in Queens, with more respect for the surrounding architecture.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Crapper actually support the demolition of a building and the construction of something else in its place. But what about this case? A building he wants gone could be gone! Something that fits in better could replace it! But it’s development, by a developer. What will he do? What will he do? (Fortunately, thanks to the miracle of the Internets, we’ll probably get a quick answer.)

Some disappointing news from foodie in the forums: The Forest Hills restaurant scene continues to decline as Mickey’s, the not-much-to-look-at, hole-in-the-wall sushi joint lauded by many as the best in town, is set to skip town to Bayside after losing its lease. That block, conveniently located near the 67th Avenue subway station, has been a mess for some time now, seemingly in a perpetual state of almost-construction with nothing ever really happening. It is, at the moment, easily the ugliest block in town. According to foodie:

They said their original landlord was a dream, but the newer one, who bought the block around 1998, has been awful, bullying and harassing them, and that this landlord seemed to have a preference for businesses who earn their primary income from selling large quantities of alcohol (King David, etc.). It seems sad that the blocks between 67th Drive and 69th Drive are becoming a strip of private nightclubs (Da Mikelle, etc.), seriously challenging the quality of life (and probably, property values) of surrounding residents.

Stores and restaurants close all the time, even beloved ones. In a neighborhood like this one, a business that closes should be replaced by something better, or at least something comparable. In practice, I find that rarely happens. We don’t yet know what will replace Mickey’s, but here’s hoping against hope that there won’t be any lions on it.