Back in high school, a friend of mine observed that, in NYC, the price of a plain slice of pizza is usually the same price as one subway fare. Interestingly, this has held true for over two decades. Has this equilibrium been thrown out of whack by the new subway fares!?

Barely. It’s holding steady, but it’s not looking good for pizza lovers. At the Queens Central Labs, I conducted an incredibly in-depth, scientific phone survey of pizza places in Kew Gardens, Rego Park and Forest Hills and found that a plain slice is still being sold at most establishments for $2.00. Out of 11 pizza joints surveyed, six still offer the “subway rate”, while five have broken the conventionally accepted price barrier, up to 50 cents more!

Last week I once again dealt with the topic of nothing ever happening in Forest Hills and Rego Park–nothing criminal, I mean, except for the occasional bank-robbery spree. Now it turns out that nothing ever happens in Kew Gardens, either. According to the Chron, the 102nd Precinct–that’s KG, Richmond Hill, Woodhaven and northern Ozone Park to you and me–had a paltry one murder in 2007, down from 10 in the previous year. Other sorts of crime weren’t down as much, but they were still down. So feel free to wave a bunch of money around in KG, too.

My favorite detail in the story: Queens is the “safest of the … boroughs,” except it’s not, because Staten Island is the safest borough. Man, if you think Queens gets the short shrift all the time, thank your lucky stars you don’t live anywhere you can only reach by ferry.

The city’s annual school report cards are out, and though The New York Times’ spin is how surprisingly tough the grades were, here in Queens, things went a little more smoothly. PS 101 (in the Gardens) and PS 196 (on the parkway) got A’s, just like you expected. But which one is better? The graders are nice enough to settle the great elementary-school debate: Grand Central Parkway’s A is based on a score of 78.88, while School in the Gardens slides by with a 76.91. Eat that, Gardens!

The widely loathed Russell Sage Junior High got a C, whereas the not so widely loathed Forest Hills High made out with a B. Here’s one surprise: If you can, send your surly adolescent to Halsey Junior High, up by NOVO 64, instead of Sage. It scored a solid B.

Other area schools and how they scored after the jump.

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You may have read about the constant, 24/7 noise stemming from LIRR track work on the forums — if you haven’t experienced it yourself. Passing trains are blaring their horns at all hours, disturbing the sleep and sanity of people who live near the tracks from Kew Gardens all the way to Woodside. But did you know there’s actually something you can do about it? The Train Noise Abatement Association wants you to join up and help stop the insanity. Ah, I know what you’re going to say: “High-minded civic organizations like that can’t do anything.” But this one actually quieted the noise in similar situations in Montauk and my old stomping grounds (if you can call hiding out in the high-school-newspaper office during lunch “stomping”) of Cedarhurst.

If you’ve had enough, e-mail Jack Mevorach at jack@mevorach.com and tell ‘im I sent you.

A few days ago, I unilaterally declared that Central Queens would never be graced by one of Virgin Mobile’s snarky “You Rule” ads that have been popping up in fashionable neighborhoods around the city and proceeded to create my own for Forest Hills.

But shockingly, I spoke too soon! On a spring photography walk through eastern Forest Hills and western Kew Gardens this afternoon, I spotted the specimen at right, appropriately on a bus shelter directly in front of Borough Hall. Full text after the jump.

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Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) was the best bad comic of all time. Born Jacob Cohen on Long Island, when he was 10, he moved to an apartment above the current location of Austin’s Ale House on Austin Street in Kew Gardens and stayed through high school. After a journeyman career, he did something incredible: In the 1980s, just as stand-up comedy was in transition from Henny Youngman-style setup/punchline gags to a more free-flowing, cerebral form, Rodney experienced a career renaissance by taking the same old, dying style every other comic was rejecting and running with it. It’s hard to imagine anyone else pulling this off, but Rodney could because his hacky jokes were brilliantly crafted and delivered. Many people don’t know that in addition to being a beloved performer, Rodney was also a sort of patron saint of the New York comedy scene, developing many successful comics at his Upper East Side club, Dangerfield’s, which he opened in 1969. It’s still there.

In the interest of originality, I will not even mention Rodney’s most famous line and instead tell you that I always preferred his frequent interjections of, “I tell ya!”

I’ve long been simultaneously amused and infuriated by the shameless, horrible reviews of restaurants in the various Queens weeklies. If you’ve never read any of these reviews, oh, I highly recommend it. Their writers — who either have no standards whatsoever, are on the take from the restaurant ownership, or are under strict instructions from their publishers not to veer from the most unflinching community boosterism possible, and maybe all three — can barely contain their excitement as they stain their pages with endless purple prose about mediocre-to-terrible restaurants. These hacks must be held up to public ridicule. That’s why I’m starting a new occasional feature here at the QC: The Queens Restaurant Review Review.

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Did you know there’s a site that will tell you whether your property values are doomed? It’s true! ZIP code by ZIP code, PropertyShark’s handy Bubble Trouble map lets you know whether you’re still breaking even or should probably go ahead and start selling off pieces of your home as lumber.

The verdict for Central Queens? You’ll be pleased to know that Forest Hills, Kew Gardens and Briarwood are all doing great. Rego Park, however, is in “Triple Bubble Trouble,” the site’s most heinous designation, with drops in number of sales and value of sales plus increased foreclosures. I find this odd considering that Rego Park might be the neigborhood I’d least expect to be in Triple Bubble Trouble. It is, after all, right next to prestigious Forest Hills while being significantly cheaper, and the home to a fairly wide selection of shopping, restaurants and services. It’s got a subway stop and a big community of one of the more affluent immigrant groups out there. If it’s overvalued — and I’m not saying it isn’t — all neighborhoods are overvalued. So what’s the problem? I could understand a drop if the surrounding areas were also affected, but PropertyShark says they’re not.

I’m personally a fan of Rego Park and think the neighborhood has great potential — I would and do recommend it to anybody who’s budget-conscious but still wants a safe, busy and diverse place to live. But it looks like that sentiment is all too rare these days. Three frowny faces don’t lie. Of course, all this gloom only applies to current residents. If you’re looking for a deal and don’t mind taking a little gamble, the market’s loss is your gain.

This week’s Times Ledger has a report on the progress of what promises to be a massive development project on the current site of the Borough Hall garage, where Kew Gardens meets Briarwood and a brief jaunt from Forest Hills, too. Sounds like it’ll be mainly offices, but there’s more, lots more: Stores! “Affordable and market rate [read: expensive]” housing! And yes, yet another high school! Parking issues are holding things up and there’s no developer signed on yet, but construction is still scheduled to start in around a year.

This could be just the ticket for a somewhat-grungy strip that’s currently home to a lot of unattractive courthouse-related commerce — bail bondsmen, cheap lawyers, fast food — but just a stone’s throw from tons of public transportation and some truly beautiful low- and high-density housing, not to mention the charming Lefferts Boulevard shopping district.