According to a reliable source, the long, long, long awaited FoHi/Rego/Glendale Trader Joe’s is scheduled to open on October 28 or 29.

Whoa, did I just scoop Forest Hills 72 on a Trader Joe’s-related item?

Forest Hills 72’s first monthly Q&A with Forest Hills Chamber of Commerce prexy Leslie Brown is out, and here’s the main thing I learned: The Forest Hills Chamber of Commerce doesn’t have a whole lot of power. Which I could have figured out already, honestly — it’s just a business-interest group. Nonetheless! Leslie is a woman (she’s a woman, right?) with information, and she did bestow a few insights upon us rabble:

Q: Has there been any news on the Ann Taylor Loft Hotel front?

A: The proposed hotel project will not go forward on the Ann Taylor Loft site at this time. The developer is looking into other Forest Hills sites for a hotel.

Well, that’s disappointing. But at least the prospect of a — heh heh — “five-star luxury hotel” isn’t dead.

Also, Laytner’s is fo’ real, though that was a no-brainer, despite a jackassy commenter on FH72 saying he planted the bags as a prank. Try to make your trolling believable next time, sir.

In order of greatness:

• According to Jellystone in the comments, a new “skateboard/tattoo-culture shop” has opened above Thai Austin in the possibly doomed complex that is the hoped-for future home of That Hotel. Some (all?) of you will not agree with my ranking this news above the next item, but I don’t believe we have anything remotely like this in the neighborhood. I’ve long given up on the prospect of FoHi as hipster enclave — I’m gunning for more of a Park Slope vibe now — but stroller-pushing yuppies like stuff like this around even if they don’t use it themselves.
• For most, this is the big one — and I will admit, it’s big. In fact, I was rushing to post this before I saw that FH72 beat me to it, with photos. Laytner’s is an upscalish (nobody truly upscale would print “Lower Prices” on their bags) schmata and wood-furniture purveyor with two locations, one on the Upper West Side, one on the Upper East Side. And now, from all indications, their third will be right here on Austin. People seem to love this place, and it replaces the defunct “Savvy” — a store you never so much as entered in all its years of existence — so this is obviously a huge net gain for the nabe.
• And once again via FH72, in an item that’s literally close to home, my beloved Ehrenreich-Austin Playground at 76th Road and Austin, a big part of the reason I moved here (such a cute park a block away!), is undergoing major renovations. This goes to the bottom of the list primarily because most of you don’t even know the park I’m talking about, but also because it just underwent major renovations less than two years ago. Nice use of my tax dollars, Parks Department! Still, I can’t really complain, as I do use those benches that are being replaced. While they’re at it, would it kill them to put in a little grass? I know it’s not technically a park, but come on, it’s a park.

Forest Hills 72 has an absolutely awesome new feature: Ask Leslie, where you can ask actual questions to Forest Hills Chamber of Commerce President Leslie Brown and she promises to actually respond. For real? For real. We think.

Here are some suggestions to get you going:

• Have you given any consideration to a ban on store names that are adjectives?
• Natural and Martha’s, two upscalish food retailers, both do boffo business. What’s stopping Austin Street from attracting others?
• There are only 70,502 people in living in Forest Hills. So how does the neighborhood support more than 75,000 banks?
• That hotel. Is it ever going to happen?
• After you successfully got Value Depot off Continental, how many palms did they have to grease to get back on?

You like how I combined questions you’d never actually ask with questions that just maybe, if rephrased correctly, you could? Thanks — I try.

Yeah, I said it: “East AQUA.” If AQUA (Austin, Queens Boulevard, Union Turnpike, Ascan, for those of you just tuning in) wasn’t narrow enough for you, I’m hereby throwing down a new definition for East AQUA, that being AQUA from Union Turnpike down to exactly where I live. You know, the funeral home/Baluchi’s corner. Anyway.

According to our forum snoops, a Starbucks — yes, a Starbucks – may be coming to the old location of Redwood Deli, right by the ‘Pike. I would be a big supporter of such a retail development, which could do a lot for our unglamorous sub-sub-neighborhood. In another place and another time, I very well might be anti-Starbucks, but there are four of them in Forest Hills already, so how world-destroying could this one be? Here’s hoping it’s true.

Not far away, a former cell-phone emporium in a lovely-but-decrepit Tudor has been boarded up and is being feverishly worked on by a real professional-like Manhattan real-estate company. Don’t look now, but it could be something good. Or, uh, it could be the Starbucks. This is all just conjecture.

I’ve also heard whisperings of a high-rise of some sort potentially being built on top of the Kinko’s and CVS. JetBlue expansion? Luxury condos? Clearly, with the Union Turnpike subway right there and Starbucks — Starbucks! – on the way, East AQUA is where it’s at!

Sure seems like a lot has been going on around these parts lately, but what can I cover that hasn’t already been done so well by Forest Hills 72? In no particular order, let’s take a look at a few, bullet-point style. Discuss!

• You can say goodbye to the trees along the Long Island Rail Road tracks. They’re pretty but cause service interruptions for reasons that are so arcane you’ll just have to read the article to find out. The damage to the neighborhood’s character will be severe, assuming you live on Burns Street — otherwise you never really go down that way anyway, now, do you?
• Queens renters say they’re not staying. Heh, good luck renting that swank Chelsea pad at Kew Gardens prices, buckaroos.
• “Via Veneto” is coming soon to Austin Street. Mike of Mike’s Notes is dead on with his National Lampoon’s European Vacation analogy.
• In Forest Hills Gardens, even the sex offenders are upper-crusty. (I should probably point out here that nothing has been proven, though the Post does do something I was taught never, ever to do in journalism school when it writes that the guy was arrested “for child sex” (emphasis mine). The Post also disappoints by not branding the alleged offender a “perv,” as it usually does.

If you’re reading this on Sunday, September 30, don’t forget that the last hurrah of one of the best street fairs in New York is taking place on Austin Street. Be sure to drop by for $6 root beer.

Engrish is coming to Forest Hills with GemStory, the oddly named women’s accessories store that looks pretty close to opening in the old Austin Street location of ArtWorld (or, for a disappointingly brief time, ArtWorld Cartoon Gallery).

So what exactly sets GemStory apart? Well, don’t ask me! Here’s what their website has to say:

Through years of marketing experience and sourcing know-how in the industry, Charlie & J Co., Inc. has developed a fixed-price system for fashion accessories store, named GemStory®.

The concept of Fixed Price is to help business owners to manage their business in easier way than ever and consumers to concentrate only on choosing their styles without price concern.

Uh, OK! Actually, a little reading between the lines suggests that every single item at GemStory costs $2.99. “ONLY for regular price through the year!!!” It’s a three-dollar store, basically. Which is three times as classy as a dollar store. This appears to be the second U.S. location — the other is near Union Square — but would it surprise you to learn they boast locations in Korea (South, I’m guessing) and China?

Anyway, this seems reasonably hip, so good luck, GemStory.

Our story so far: Absentee superchef Daniel Boulud threatens Forest Hills’ Danny Brown with a lawsuit for using their mutual initials in the signage of his restaurant, then just a month later hypocritically names his own new restaurant, a block away from the legendary CBGB, “DBGB.”

Now the Bowery’s birthplace of punk, no doubt still smarting from being gentrified out of existence, has served Boulud with a cease-and-desist letter. In your face! This is via Eater — which requests credit and gets it from CB’s for tipping them off — via Avenue Food’s Sarah. Check out the kickass comments from CB’s lawyer — and note how he forcefully makes them without resorting to childish insults, a lesson Boulud’s lawyer could stand to learn — after the jump.

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For the many FoHiers who have been waiting — and waiting, and waiting — for the big Trader Joe’s opening at the edge of town, don’t hold your breath. When I went by the site a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t see any signs of an impending opening, and now Trader Joe’s is admitting that you won’t be able to get your $3 wine until late September — and possibly even later than that. But look on the bright side: At least this is confirmation that they’re opening at all. It’ll just be a little later in the year, the better for you to slog through the bitter cold and freezing rain on your long, long walk from your presidential co-op on Yellowstone all the way to the Glendale border, you consumerist sheep, you.