We have a wedding at the Plaza this Saturday - been a LONG time since we've been at a wedding. Can anyone suggest what "the going rate" is in terms of a gift would be?
Wedding at The Plaza
(76 posts) (20 voices)-
Barbee
Member
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Posted 1 year ago # -
flocat
Member
Wow, I didn't even know there's a going rate! Most of my friends are artists and musicians - no one has money, and no one expects big gifts.
For a wedding at the Plaza, I imagine you'd want to spend more than I spend on my artist friends. Have they registered for gifts somewhere?
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Posted 1 year ago # -
killbyinches
Member
at least $250 to $300 per person, that would be on the low end
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Monicawork
Member
don't know if you can find it, but there was a thread started by Pat (I think) when he was going to a wedding awhile back.
We're in that "in-between" stage, where all of our friends are married, and their/our kids aren't old enought to be married yet (well some probably are, but they haven't y et!), so I can't be of any help.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
knifesong
Member
How about giving them a big smile and an even bigger hug? You're covered!
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Barbee
Member
Not that I know of; I know they need $$$ - AS WE ALL DO!!!! Just investigating to give something decent.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Barbee
Member
Thanks, KBI, that's what I thought.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Ava
Member
I've found that when the wealthy throw a wedding at a place like the Plaza, guests usually send a gift from the registry. Recently someone from my law firm went to a wedding and said she didn't notice anyone giving envelopes.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Monicawork
Member
Barbee-- if they need money, why are they throwing the wedding at the Plaza (or did I miss the sarcasm?).
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
Monicawork, I think that thread was probably lost in the "purge." I was thinking the same thing that KBI said. But that said, it's also a function of what you are in a position to do and how close you feel to the couple, or at least half of the couple. I've got a wedding of a (much younger) first cousin with whom I feel pretty close in 2 weeks locally and another for the daughter of a first cousin with whom I'm not as close, in Philadelphia 2 weeks after that and am still trying to decide what to give for each gift. And this is after the engagement and shower gifts for each, plus for one of them, chipping in for a relatively modest (dinner and karaoke in Manhattan) bachelorette night out.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
Good point, Monicawork.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Ava
Member
Shayna, doesn't it get ridiculous at times? An engagement party PLUS a bridal shower, then a bachelorette party and a wedding. If you have a big family, gifts for these parties can add up to a small fortune. When I gave a party for my mom's birthday at an expensive manhattan restaurant, I put "no gifts please" on the invitation. I don't like making people feel like they have to give something. Just having your special friends and relatives attend is a blessing.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
flocat
Member
An ex-boyfriend of mine told me about the time that he had his staff (he worked in govt. and yes, this was tax dollars at work) go to all the local Goodwill stores to buy toasters, and he gave the couple 30 old toasters as a wedding gift. Now there's an idea.
If I have enough time, I like to paint a small painting as a wedding gift. A monetary value can't be placed on it, and it's personal.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
stockguru
Member
I think if you go to the wedding, you should at a minimum cover the cost of your attendance.
Its not a gift if the newlyweds need to pay for you to come
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
Yes, Ava, it does, especially with 3 siblings and 6 nieces and nephews, plus assorted extended family. For the record, though, neither of these couples had an engagement party. I chose to give those gifts. And one of the showers was somewhat of a surprise, since the bride lives out of town and her aunt/my cousin, who lives in Manhattan, decided to make a small luncheon in NY. It's just a coincidence that these two strings of events, plus the bat mitzvah of a college roommate are happening so close in time.
Flocat, I love your artistic idea. Some people are artistic or "crafty" and gifts in those veins can be great.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
Stockguru, how do you figure the cost of attendance? The cost of the meal? The band/dj? The photographer? The flowers? The upcharges for the fancy linens? The invitations? The bride's gown? Where does it end? And how do you know those costs? And how do you know who's paying?
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Posted 1 year ago # -
g-man
Member
I think it really ties into how close you are as mentioned by Shayna.
A very good friend of mine got married at a really nice long island catering hall and I knew the cost was north of 75k$ due to the amount of guests invited.
I gave him a rare bottle of wine that cost north of 500$ along with another 500$ (250/each me and wife).
my college roommate that I'm still in touch with got 800$ was at the wardolf.
but I went to this other wedding where it was literally an indian buffet with no music, no alcohol. I gave them 60$/person.
For something like the plaza where you may not knowt he person, I like the registry idea.
I'd pick up something in the middle of the registry price range and probably enough to cover the cost.
if it's a proper sit down meal, the cost at the plaza for rental + food would be baseline roughly 250$/person.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
knifesong
Member
@stockguru wrote: "Its not a gift if the newlyweds need to pay for you to come"
It's also not fair if the bride and groom choose hold their celebration in a place which makes it cost prohibitive to the guests to cover their expenses.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
g-man, I sure hope that the friend who gave you the bottle of wine is an oenophile.
I wouldn't be shocked if the price per person for a wedding at the Plaza, all-in, not just the catering bill, is far in excess of $250, pp.
Here's the issue with associating the amount of the gift with where the wedding is being held. Although it is not uncommon for the bride and groom to cover all or a portion of the wedding, particularly the older and/or more financially secure the bride and groom are, oftentimes the parents of either or both of them are participating financially, if not picking up the entire tab. The gifts are going to the bride and groom, who may or may not turn back some of the money to whoever is paying for the wedding. So the theory of, in effect, paying for your plate doesn't necessarily get the money into the hands of the person(s) paying for the wedding. And, as I mentioned above, the costs of the wedding go far beyond the meal. Having helped my mother and sister with the paperwork/bookkeeping aspects of my sister's wedding 5 years ago, I was privy to all of the costs. If I am recalling correctly, the price per person for the food, plus mandatory gratuity (gotta love that part), plus tax was less than half the actual cost of the wedding. Then, there's the matter of when some people have simpler weddings, often they're the ones who could really use the extra help of more generous gifts. And I can't exactly figure out how to figure into the calculus whether and how the size of the gift should be affected by the cost of travel to the function if you're an out-of-town guest.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
g-man
Member
ya, he got me into wine.
250 is the baseline because that's what I was quoted before the wife and I decided that we didn't care about location esp since it came out of my pocket ;-) (though, i still blame the parents for the extra 200 guests I had no idea about)
Though I can say that we definitely had friends who came from out of state to a smaller wedding party we held for only friends at the palm restaurant. Instead of money, he gave me a wedding album he put together himself of all the pics he took throughout the day and I have to say the wife and I absolutely love it. but at the same time we know the flight cost was already expensive and we would have been just as happy only to have seen him.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
G-man, I'm afraid to ask just how many people were at your wedding...my sister's wedding was at a reform temple on Long Island 5 years ago and was something like $100-105 a head. Then there was the live band, flowers for the chuppah (wedding canopy) and the ballroom, photographer, her dress, the invites and other odds and ends. Given the number of guests and the total cost of the event, all-in, it was probably easily $250 a head. Judging by that and allowing for the Manhattan location and inflation, I would think that the Plaza or Waldorf is probably easily $250/head for just the caterer, nothing else.
Yes, I know that some people will think that those numbers are insane, but it's all relative to what you have and are able to do without anyone going into hock. Plus, this wedding was a much-needed emotional boost for the family after having lost our dad only a few months prior and coming on the heels of Mom falling and breaking her back 7 weeks before the wedding. It was also the first time in something like 10-20 years that all 10 first cousins on my father's side were together.
What a great gift from your friend, g-man. That's exactly the type of thing that is so very meaningful, along the lines of what Flocat mentioned.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
g-man
Member
i had almost 400 people at the chinese portion of the wedding due to couhgtheparentscough.
so we definitely coudl not afford the plaza ;-)
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Posted 1 year ago # -
stockguru
Member
I think my point is getting somewhat muddled.
We don't need to trace the cash to ensure that it goes to the party that covered the expense.
I just think it is etiquette and courtesy to cover your expenses. The line of reasoning is this:
1) if you attend, you will be enjoying the festivities and food. Treat it like a night out on new years eve at the plaza and pay for what the cost is in the form of a gift. It will be a special night for both the newlyweds and you.
2) if the place is too expensive for you to cover your plate, simply send a gift and do not attend. you are free to send a gift of any monetary or sentimental value as this would truly be a gift to the bride and groom.
As for how the cost is calculated, my personal thinking is that it should only be the per person charge. Should you not attend, the band and decorations would still be a sunk cost and there. However, they would save your plate charge.
I'm sorry, but those that don't cover the cost of their attendance just free loaded at the expense of the bride/groom. While you may be close enough that your presence is worth it to them, what kind of good friend would do that to their friend on their wedding day?
You can go on wedding sites and get an estimate of what other people paid for a wedding around the same time of year at the venue you are going to.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
g-man
Member
You'd say the same if your friend just spent 1k$ to fly out and spend time with you?
but i agree with the rest of your points.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Ava
Member
Nice stories - home made gifts are to be cherished and really are priceless.
Somehow it never did sit right with me that people go by the adage that when you attend a wedding you should cover the cost of your meal. I'm not so sure that's what Emily Post would say.
After all, your guests didn't choose the most expensive place, you did. And those destination weddings where you have the additional burden of airfare and hotel fare, I think that's a gift in itself.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
400??? Half of whom were news to you??? Must have been interesting family conversations during the planning.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
Ava
Member
400??? Where'd you have it - at Lincoln Center?
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Posted 1 year ago # -
bobbyrab
Member
g-man, its a shame you didn't have the 400 guests at the Palm; you would be knee-deep in Palm discounts and certificates for the rest of your life. As long as the wedding wasn't held at some all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet ;)
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
The bride and groom are throwing a party to celebrate their wedding. Typically, they invite people who they want to be there. Okay, some of the invitations are about business or pleasing parents...To suggest that someone should stay away simply because they are not in a financial position to cover their plate is, well, I don't know exactly what it is, but it's something unpleasant. And to say that they are free-loading if they don't cover the cost of their plate is even worse. Doesn't matter if it is good friend or family. One could easily ask what kind of friend would have a wedding so expensive that it puts a major financial burden on their friends.
It's difficult, if not impossible, to figure the cost of a wedding just by looking at websites. Prices vary by day of week and time of day. They also go up. Case in point. My sister booked her son's bar mitzvah reception location over 2 years in advance. My other sister had her wedding at the same place, only 4 months later, but booked it less than a year out, which was over a year after my first sister booked the place. Functions were only 4 months apart, but the base price jumped by something like 15-20% in the interim, due to construction costs of new sanctuary and ballroom being higher than anticipated. Plus, the wedding had a sushi bar. And who the hell expects guest to do internet research before deciding what to spend on a gift. Awful.
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Posted 1 year ago # -
ShaynaMadel
Member
All I can think of is all those thank-you notes to write!
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Posted 1 year ago #
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